Learning from setbacks without losing confidence or lowering standards

Heat rises in your cheeks. Your stomach drops. For a moment, it feels as though the ground has disappeared beneath your feet. Shame can feel like this: you made a mistake when you wanted to be at your best.

We all know what follows. The inner critic starts talking.

“Why did I say that?”
“Why didn’t I check first?”
“What an idiot.”

There may be a useful question somewhere in that mental chatter. But when we keep replaying the event, reviewing what happened can become an attack on who we are. Instead of identifying what needs to change, we can become caught in guilt, shame or resentment, which are feelings we may be reluctant even to acknowledge.

If you are someone who wants to perform well when it matters, in diving or elsewhere, the way you assess yourself matters. This article is for you.

We put considerable effort into checking our equipment. Our assumptions about ourselves deserve attention too. A convincing thought is not necessarily an accurate one, and repeated negative self-talk can turn an assumption into something that gets treated as fact. We may then pay more attention to evidence that confirms it and overlook what challenges it. This is confirmation bias that narrows our perception. Reassuring assumptions deserve the same scrutiny: “I know what I’m doing” is no substitute for checking.

We can examine our thoughts honestly, recognize mistakes without shaming ourselves or using guilt as punishment and maintain our standards. The aim is clear accountability: understand what happened, communicate it openly and identify what to change.

That is the standard.

A constructive response to difficulty

Many divers are detail-oriented and committed to high standards. When we’re determined to avoid complacency, being hard on ourselves can feel like proof that we care.

But instead, caring about performance means holding ourselves accountable and making sure our response to a setback prepares us to perform better next time.

High standards or high performance don’t require harsh self-criticism.

Before I introduce a practical technique to for responding to setbacks, let’s challenge a few assumptions about its name: self-compassion.

Some may think that self-compassion would make us weak, selfish, self-indulgent or less motivated. Instead, self-compassion makes us strong, supports well-being and motivation while helping us respond constructively to difficulty and care for others. (Neff 2023). You can hold yourself accountable without attacking yourself.

Exactly what sounds beneficial for a any dive team to thrive.

Imagine you have made a mistake. Experience, discipline and high standards don’t make us immune. Now listen to the difference: “I want to understand what happened,” and “There is something wrong with me.”

One gets you asking questions. The other has already harshly decided you are the problem. If we are taught to be careful about assumptions when planning a dive, we can apply that same to ourselves too.

You can be demanding with yourself but be specific. “I always get this wrong” tells as little as “I know what I’m doing”. Both phrases dismiss that something needs attention and neither answer to what happened. Keep curiously asking questions: What did I miss when preparing? What should I change next time? But calling yourself an idiot is an assumption with no foundation.

Why RESET?

So, how do we put this into practice?

Researchers Ashley Kuchar, Kristin Neff and Amber Mosewich developed a tool called RESET (Resilience and Enhancement in Sport, Exercise, & Training) for US college athletes. Its core idea is simple: mistakes happen, plans fall apart and performances disappoint. How athletes respond matters for their performance, motivation and well-being (Anshel, 1996; Lazarus & Folkman, 1984).

There’s an interesting detail here. The researchers largely avoided the word “self-compassion” because athletes might hear it as permission to become complacent. They taught the approach through four pillars of “resilience” instead: mindfulness, connection, encouragement and productive feedback.

The results showed that athletes who applied the RESET method became less self-critical, responded more constructively to setbacks and rated their sporting performance more highly than those who didn’t. (Kuchar, Neff & Mosewich, 2023).

I can see the RESET framework offering practical value for anyone interested in the same results.

Ironically, while writing this article, I had to cancel a long-awaited dive because of a headache. Here is how I applied the RESET to my disappointment.

1. Mindfulness: acknowledge what is happening

Start by noticing the difficult moment and how it feels, without judging yourself.

“I feel frustration as tightness in my chest. That dive mattered to me.”

I don’t need to turn disappointment into a positive experience immediately. I wanted to dive and cancelling was disappointing. Both statements can hold true with the decision to prioritise safety.

There is also a difference between noticing a feeling and obeying it unconditionally: wanting to dive badly does not change how I feel physically or make the conditions more suitable.

For me, this step means pausing long enough to distinguish the facts from my reaction to them. “I have a headache.” “I am disappointed.” I don’t have to pretend to be fine to move forward. And I can acknowledge the emotion while keeping my attention on what the situation requires.

2. Connection: remember that you are not alone

The next step is to remember that this happens to everyone.

“Disappointments are part of diving. I’m not alone in this.”

It is easy to look at other divers and see their successful dives, completed training and exciting projects. We have much less access to their cancelled plans, doubts and difficult days.

If I made an error, I would seek to understand what led to it and what to change next time. If I cancelled because I recognised a concern, I would give that decision credit. Both can be disappointing, but they call for different lessons.

In my case, I can acknowledge the disappointment without treating the cancellation itself as a mistake. Recognising when to cancel a dive and acting on that judgement is competence.

3. Encouragement: become a useful coach to yourself

Consider how you would speak to a good friend facing the same situation.

“There will be another dive. Let the headache settle first. Prioritising safety is wise.”

Would I ask my buddy with a headache to ignore it? Would I see their cancellation as evidence of weakness or unreliability? Of course not.

If I would support their decision, it is worth asking why I would apply a harsher standard to myself.

Encouragement can be direct. That’s the kind of inner coach I want: honest enough to identify a problem and steady enough to help me address it.

After cancelling, the useful next step was to rest.

4. Productive feedback: turn the experience into information

This is where thinking becomes practical.

“I will review my preparation routines and notice symptoms earlier.”

The question becomes: what, if anything, could help next time?

Maybe I can prepare differently and maybe I can notice a concern sooner. But I will also avoid assuming I should know what caused the headache.

If it had been a mistake, in this feedback part I would seek for specificity or any gaps in understanding. “Be better” is difficult to act on. “Allow more time for a check” is more specific to consider.

The feedback should acknowledge what worked, too. If I noticed a concern and acted on it, that behaviour deserves to be rewarded and retained.

From self-talk to teamwork

For me, this framework also raises a question about how we respond to each other.

When a buddy cancels, admits a mistake or raises a concern, how I act on it matters. Do I help them see the situation clearly or make them feel guilty or defend their worth?

Personal self-compassion cannot resolve every equipment, planning or team problem. It can, however, give us a constructive way to approach our own part in the conversation.

Keep your standards. Especially when the moment feels difficult.

You can be disappointed and still make a sound decision. You can acknowledge a mistake and examine it thoroughly without attacking yourself.

Take responsibility, learn and move forward. That is strength.

Sources and further reading:

Anshel, M. 1996. Coping styles among adolescent competitive athletes. The Journal of Social Psychology

Ferguson L.J. et al. 2015. Self-compassion and eudaimonic well-being during emotionally difficult times in sport. Journal of Happiness Studies

Kuchar, A., Neff, K.D., Mosewich, A. 2023. Resilience and Enhancement in Sport, Exercise, & Training (RESET): A brief self-compassion intervention with NCAA student-athletes. The University of Texas, USA. University of Alberta, Canada. Psychology of Sport & Exercise 67. www.elsevier.com/locate/psychsport

Lazarus, S., Folkman, S. 1984. Stress, Appraisal and Coping. Springer Publishing

Neff, K.D. 2023. Self-compassion: Theory, method, research, and intervention. Annual review of Psychology