I thought: "WTF did you just say?" I actually said: ....nothing. How to say when it’s not okay

Here's the scenario. You’re on a boat preparing for a dive on the wreck of the Maine, a beautiful wreck in 30m/100ft off the South Coast of the UK. Although the wind is biting, the social nature of UK diving is keeping things warm. A newer diver, Sarah, is being briefed by the group’s self-appointed ‘joker’, Dave. Midway through, Dave turns to the rest of the dive team and says, “Don’t worry, lads, we’ve got a damsel in distress today, keep an eye out so she doesn’t wander off.”

There’s a chuckle from someone at the back. Sarah gives a tight smile and looks down at her gear. You glance around. A couple of others make brief eye contact with you, there’s discomfort in the air, and yet, no one says anything.

You feel that internal twitch: That wasn’t okay. But it wasn’t blatant abuse, either. So… do you speak up? And if so, how?

As I write this blog, I wonder what your internal responses might be:

• There will be some who will be thinking ‘Deal with it, what’s the problem?’,
• Others will be saying to themselves ‘I’ve been on the receiving end of this, and it sucks. It made me wonder if I wanted to dive with this group again.’,
• Others will be reflecting, ‘I have been there, and I said something. It wasn’t easy, but the north needle of my moral compass is stuck in one space as if there was a magnet present.’ 

How to Say When It’s Not Okay – On the Boat, In the Briefing, and Beneath the Surface

In diving, we talk a lot about situation awareness. But the kind of awareness that keeps us safe isn’t just about dive plans, gas mixes, or decompression obligations, it’s also about paying attention to how people interact, how culture shows up in jokes, in silences, in who gets listened to and who gets overlooked. A recent 'reels' video from Kenny Dyal and Sweetwater SCUBA highlights this, and the blog from Nic Emery- What are we pretending not to know? - demonstrates what she did as a Course Director and dive centre owner when encountering something similar.

That moment on the boat? That was a tiny, micro-behaviour with huge consequences.

And here’s something that might surprise divers: speaking up doesn’t always mean going full tilt. Research and experience both show that subtle signals, when used well, can shift the tone of a conversation, reset group norms, and protect relationships - all without blowing up the dive day and ruining a social activity. Fundamentally, this is about creating and maintaining psychological safety within the team.

This blog is based on paper from Loughborough University titled ‘How to say when it’s not okay’ and while it is focused on the workplace environment, the diving space bridges both work and leisure so the lessons are easily applicable. More importantly, if not addressed, such behaviours can be a critical error-producing condition or factor when it comes to an adverse event occurring. The documentary ‘If Only…’ has a number of examples of these micro-behaviours which are obvious in hindsight, but not so in the moment.

The following sections walk through some tools for when you feel that you’re in a ‘this isn’t okay’ moment. These tools are like the Probe-Alert-Challenge-Emergency (PACE) model The Human Diver teaches and is contained in the THD Wetnotes.

Pause—with an Expectant Look

One of the simplest, yet most powerful moves is to stop and give a deliberate pause. A raised eyebrow. Eye contact. Silence. These create a conversational space—an invitation for the speaker to check themselves.

In real time, it might look like this: Dave cracks the joke. You don’t laugh. You look at him, slightly puzzled, and say nothing. That moment of stillness? That’s often enough for people to reframe, backtrack, or apologise without being forced to.

This is the verbal equivalent of holding neutral buoyancy when you can’t afford to silt-out the bottom or hit the top in a tight overhead - minimal effort, but significant control and influence.

The “Huh?” Strategy

We often think we need the perfect words. But sometimes, a simple “Huh?” or “What was that?” is all it takes. These phrases act as repair initiators - they flag that something didn’t land right.

It’s a gentle nudge. You’re not accusing, instead you’re inviting reflection. It works because it shifts the burden back to the speaker, giving them a chance to rethink what they said.

Research into social conformance and groupthink (look up the Asch conformity experiments) shows that a question or pause is enough to check the progress of the unwanted behaviours. This is what 'Red Teaming' and Constructive Dissent are about.

Read the Room

Recognise that you’re not alone. Often, when something lands badly, others feel it too. Look around. Make eye contact. Are others avoiding looking at Sarah? Are they catching your gaze and raising eyebrows?

If you sense shared discomfort, you’ve got allies, and that makes it easier to contribute.

This can be your cue to step in with a low-friction response like,
“C’mon Dave, she’s here to dive, not play a stereotype.”

Or even more light-hearted:
“Oh yeah, because every woman needs a rescue team, right?”

These comments work because they highlight the absurdity without launching into conflict. This is a great example of where humour and irony can be used to dispel conflict and reset the tone.

Softened Challenges

Sometimes, especially if the speaker is a friend or long-time teammate, going in hard can create more tension than progress. So, think about softening it and try something like:

“I’m sure you didn’t mean it like that, but it might have landed a bit weird.”

Or:

“I might be misreading it, at the same time, that didn’t sound great to me.”

These pre-emptive buffers signal care and concern. They protect the relationship while still setting a boundary. A problem we have in the diverse 'Communities of Practice' of diving (Recreational, Technical, Cave, locale, etc.) is that boundaries and standards are often quite grey and blurred already and so what does ‘normal’ look like?

Act Later

The good thing is that not all interventions need to happen in the moment. Maybe the timing was off. Maybe the (psychological) risk felt too high. That’s okay. Find someone you trust, maybe someone else who was on the dive, and have a debrief/discussion. Share what you noticed and how you felt. Get their take. If you still feel unsettled, consider having a quiet word with Dave after the dive:

“Hey, I just wanted to flag that the comment earlier might’ve landed a bit off with Sarah. I know it was probably meant as a joke, but it didn’t sit right with me, and from her body language, it didn’t land well with her either.”

This gives him the chance to reflect without being ambushed. And it shows Sarah (if she hears about it) that someone did notice.

I have personally had such a conversation with a close friend who was not behaving as I thought they should behave to one of our dive team members. Our friendship survived, and their relationship got stronger.

Intervene for Others. With Care and Intent.

There might be times when you feel compelled to speak up for someone who is not in a position to challenge, especially when there are power dynamics at play, e.g., an instructor, dive master, and student situation. Speak alongside or with but not over the affected person. If Sarah doesn’t seem phased or is already handling it her way, follow their lead.

The best interventions come with awareness, humility, and timing. These all require experience, and that means keeping your eyes and ears open to see what ‘normal’ looks and sounds like. This is where ‘in-group- and ‘out-group’ behaviour can be a real challenge to decipher if you’re an outsider.

Psychological Safety Starts Here

If we want to build dive teams where people can speak up about gas checks, lost buddies, or unexpected currents, we need to start with the everyday culture. That includes how we talk to each other, the jokes we make, and who feels safe to raise their voice.

Psychological safety doesn’t mean being nice to people – it can be really hard to have such conversations. As Warren Buffet said, “Honest feedback is a very expensive gift.” The cost is felt by both parties…speaking up and fear of (social) retribution, and the cost of accepting something is wrong and needs to be addressed.

Speaking up doesn’t mean turning into the Dive Police. It means being aware. It means not letting the little things slide just because they’re uncomfortable to confront. Culture isn’t changed by policies. It’s changed by tiny moments, repeated consistently.

The Human Diver is about improving performance and inclusion. About creating high-trust, high-performance environments where people can speak up, and do speak up, and everyone reflects on how it made sense to them so that they can be better than yesterday.

So, the next time something doesn’t feel okay, remember: you don’t need the perfect line. You just need to start. Even underwater, a small nudge can change the whole direction of the dive.

 
Gareth Lock is the owner of The Human Diver. Along with 12 other instructors, Gareth helps divers and teams improve safety and performance by bringing human factors and just culture into daily practice, so they can be better than yesterday. Through award-winning online and classroom-based learning programmes, we transform how people learn from mistakes, and how they lead, follow and communicate while under pressure. We’ve trained more than 600 people face-to-face and 2500+ online across the globe, and started a movement that encourages curiosity and learning, not judgment and blame.

If you'd like to deepen your diving experience, consider the first step in developing your knowledge and awareness by taking the Essentials of HF for Divers here website.